Tales of Inept Babysitters
by TwoIneptAuthors
Summary: Shadowlurker and Eyeless Jack have had their first child together, but are too busy to watch her during the day. So who do they hire? Jeff and Gamzee, of course! (Trigger warning- language, violence, sexual references, extreme misadventures, OOC, OCs, crossovers, and general chaos)


**S0, a f3w n0tes b3f0r3 y0u b3gan r3ading-**

**1\. S0m3 charact3rs hav3 b33n w3ak3n3d f0r th3 purp0s3 0f this fanfic.**

**2 This will b3 0ne h3ck 0f a cr0ss0v3r (No sh!t, UR. ! th!nk they know) ((Grammatical 3rr0rs I c0rr3ct3d in that s3nt3nc3- 2)) (Douche).**

**3\. This is an 3XTR3M3 AU.**

**4\. L0gic d03s n0t apply in this fanfic. D0 n0t att3mpt t0 apply l0gic (MY LOG!C ALWAYS COUNTS. JUST BECAUSE _YOU_ DON'T UNDERSTAND !T...) ((AD, SHUT Y0UR FAC3)) (Douche).**

**5\. Th3r3 will b3 h3avy 00Cn3ss.**

**R3ady...**

**S3t...**

**CHA0S! 8D**

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_Season 1, Episode 1- So It Begins..._

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The two-story house rested on a small hill off the side of the road. The yard was in extreme disrepair, and a window was cracked. Within the building, the cries of a child could be heard, a high, eerie noise accompanied by the nervous speech of two adult males.

Inside, was a sight to behold. A small baby was crying in the middle of the living room, laying on the floor. Bent over the child was a black-cloaked male individual with light grayish-blue skin and black eye and a light-grey skinned, brown-haired male with no eyes, his blue mask held by the baby.

Eyeless Jack reached for his mask, but the child held tightly to it, screaming when the two adults finally ripped the mask from her grip.

"When will they be here?" Jack hissed, clamping his hands over his ears.

"Soon. Then she'll be their problem." Shadowlurker responded.

"You've been saying 'soon' for the past three hours! Are you even sure it's a good idea to leave Danielle with _them_?" Jack raised an eyebrow.

"They were all we could afford. If you didn't want the responsibility, you should have run for the hills while you had the damn chance!" Shadowlurker snapped, but paused at the sound of the doorbell ringing.

"I've got it!" Jack dashed for the door, leaving Shadowlurker with the child while he could. He threw the door open, smacking the white-skinned individual on the other side in the face.

Jeff swore loudly, earning a chuckle from the troll behind him.

"Shut up, you clown fuck!" Jeff snapped angrily.

Gamzee shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head to Jack in greeting.

"Get in the fucking house." Jack grimaced and held the door open.

Jeff frowned at him and walked in, Gamzee following closely behind, almost eager to be there. Shadowlurker held the baby under its arms and held it away from himself. Jack facepalmed and attempted to make the babies cries stop.

"Zalgo's asshole, what is that thing?!" Jeff yelled when he saw the babies appearance.

She had hair to rival Gamzee's, and her skin seemed to be a mixture of the two fathers' skin colors. Her eyes were a bright blue, and her teeth were too big for her mouth. The teeth were snaggly and long, curling over her bottom lip. She was wailing, still upset at the loss of her father's mask as a possession.

'Mommy' walked up to Jeff, before thinking better of it and walking up to Gamzee, dropping the baby into his arms. He awkwardly cradled it, and Jack shoved a list into Jeff's arms. Before they could say another word, Shadowlurker and Jack were out the door. Gamzee and Jeff looked at eachother awkwardly, Gamzee trying not to drop the baby.

"Soooo...What now?" Gamzee said.

Jeff shrugged showing uncharacteristic silence. The baby had stopped screaming when he had been dropped into a strangers arms, and was instead making high pitched whining noises. Gamzee held Danielle upside down and lightly shook her. Jeff startled and grabbed Danielle before Gamzee could do any real damage.

"Don't shake it! I'm not sure what you're supposed to do with these things, but shaking ain't it!" He snapped.

"Whatever..." Gamzee sighed.

A loud rattling noise from the attic attracted their attention. Jeff turned his attention to the list Jack had given him, paling as he looked at the last item.

_Get rid of raccoon in attic (rabid?)_

"Fuck... Uh... Gamzee?"

"Mmmhmm?"

"How about I take the thing to its room... and you can get rid of the raccoon?"

"What raccoon?" Gamzee turned quickly, only to have a list hit him in the face.

"Number 53." Jeff turned quickly and was up the stairs before Gamzee could object.

Gamzee, still standing in the same spot, mouth open in suprise, stiffened in shock at the sound of scratching and growling in the walls.

"What the motherfuc-" Gamzee began, then yelped as the wall exploded outward, the raccoon bursting out and latching onto his face with razor-sharp claws. Its eyes gleamed bright red, and its fangs were knife-like.

"What kind of motherfucking raccoon is this?" Gamzee yelped, ripping the vicious, rabid animal off of his face, wincing as it ripped off pieces of skin from his face.

"What the hell is going on dow- _what the fuck is that?!_" Jeff shouted as he dashed down the stairs. He quickly pulled a knife from his pocket, facing the creature.

It was the size of a medium-sized dog, possibly even a small german shephard. Its fangs were yelloow and speckled with dried blood, and its eyes gleamed with vicious intelligence. Its claws scraped the floor as it let out a noise that sounded like an unholy fusion between a snarl and a hiss as it lunged once more. Jeff blocked the raccoon's claws and gave it a good kick to the side to try to keep it down. Gamzee immediately dropped down and began attempting to crush the animal's skull with a... juggling club?

Jeff took a moment to reflect upon this odd choice of weaponry before dashing forward and leaping onto the creature's back, stabbing his knife into the thick fur of its neck as Gamzee swung his juggling club. A sickening crack sounded as it dropped to the ground, twitching.

"Damn..." Jeff clambered off, panting roughly.

"Really gets your blood pumper going, huh?" Gamzee chuckled and gave a small honk, and Jeff managed to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Okay, so you're not entirely hopeless. I suppose I'll tolerate you. Now help me drag this thing's corpse out. We have a lot of cleaning up to do."

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**S0, AD and I ar3 g0ing t0 b3 making a DeviantART acc0unt wh3r3 w3'll upl0ad c0nc3pt art and such.**

**What3v3r.**

**S33 y0u n3xt chapt3r.**

**\- unorthodoxRevelations**


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